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December 2009

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Dec. 2nd, 2009

sleepingbeauty

So in despair we cry...


As I've cried too much in these 4 days, I suddenly came to realize so many things...
The things I wish I would have realized a little sooner, just a little sooner... Now it's come to the point I'm wasting too much tears and yet I still remain as the same useless brat, I guess the irony has finally decided to play with us a little further and harsher.

I suppose I deserve it.

The day grandfather was sent back to the hospital in such an emergency 10 days ago, I started to come slowly to this point, but I still appeared to be cold. I appeared to be cold, for what, in the bloody hell? I don't know, but I did, for God's sake. And I was angry because I thought he was overreacting again. Oh.my.God, what was I thinking? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck was in my head that made me think of such a possibility?

I'm screwed!


When I came to learn about his severe sickness (which was kind of expected), I was starting to feel bad for not feeling TOO bad as I was supposed to feel. What was that, I really became to hate my indifferent mask way too much, it made me feel like a heartless monster! The need to rip it off didn't take long before the worry and anxiousness overtook me. I could no longer appear like a cold freak when everyone was already worrying too much, crying too much.
I started to think of the worst as those image forming in my head, and it exploded the day his life was in danger, everyone immediately dropped their work and rushed to the hospital.
EVERYONE but ME...

I did not know then, I probably was in school, or taking exams, or just simply I didnt know.

Until the day the reaper paid him a visit again, which was 4 days ago, the realization finally hit me hard. The hospital, the emergency room, the heartbreaking news that his heart had stopped beating, and dad was already in the room to help. What was that feeling...everyone was sitting and hugging their legs tightly to their chests, some were walking to and fro, depression was the only thing we shared on our faces. I sat in a darkest corner near the room, with that big door locked by chains...I had to try my best to shake the image of Hell's Gate off my head, yet the depression was still there, around me, in my heart, my mind. I now remembered the reason why I hated going to this place so much, just that before it had never been this gloomy.

Gray must be the color.

It is the color of every doom in the world, which reflects the most horrible reality that no horror movie can compare with. I was scared of it, so scared that every time there was someone walked out from that locked door, my heart jumped out of my chest. And I knew I was not the only one.
And what kind of a situation was that? Grandfather had always wished to be taken care of by all of his loved ones, desperately, and there they were, outside the room, praying and crying, even the one who had appeared to abandon him, and the ones he had pretended he did not care anymore. And now grandfather did not know a thing. And grandma was still staying at home, already mentally dead to the world from the memory loss and many types of sickness.
I could not stop wondering, what kind of a situation was that? What kind of an irony was that? What was left to us once they're gone from our lives?

We didn't even have much time to feel relieved upon knowing he made it through the long pause of heart beat, as dad came out after another long, exhausting wait, shaking his head, "they said he might not make it through tonight.". What was that expression? Where was the hope I had always seen on his face even when we all had been in the edge of giving up? Where were all the good things he had always told us, that grandpa was going to be fine? Where was my optimistic daddy that I desperately needed so much at that time?
We were pushed into the waves of despair again. My aunt cried while praying, I'd never seen her cry before...it was so depressing, I even had to question myself again what they were praying for if they was going to give up their faiths in the end. I could not blame them, we were grieving, so grieving that I could no longer see the light in my life. We human beings are so desperate, and in the most desperate moments when there is nothing left for us but despair, the only thing we can do is to pray.

Praying and crying. Praying and crying. Praying in despair and crying in hopelessness, and praying more, and crying more.

I fought hard against my feelings to go home as I was told for me being completely useless there. Everyone was useless towards fate. Duty, I knew, was the only thing that kept me so much strong in front of everyone, and to my little brother as well. But it would be entirely different when I was left alone... such a shame, such a shame that I could not help it. Crying was the only thing I could do beside praying, but what was this? What was that Goddamn feeling, killing us bit by bit?
Do you understand that feeling, the feeling of a hopeless person who could not do a thing but curl up in a corner of the stair, surrounded by frightening darkness, crying and praying and chewing her lower lips yet her right hand did not stop clutching the cellphone?
The hopelessness and completely heart-breaking anxiousness that were piercing my heart every time I dared look at the cellphone, the exhaustion that beat me to sleep unknowingly yet my hand never loosened the damn thing that could have brought me the shocking news until morning?
Do you understand it, the way I've been feeling ever since that gloomy night until now? Do you?
Would you ever?
So doomed, so hopeless...
That night was the longest night in my entire life, I was too exhausted from crying too much yet I could not sleep as I woke up every 5 minute, and stare dully at the cellphone, and cried, and dozed off, and so on until morning. No phone call, not a single one, I was half-dead and relieved. But the despair was still there, and I knew someday it would break me down.
I'd never known my dear cellphone would be so deadly scary like that...someday it might be a weapon that stabs my heart, I just know it.

Relief at every single second becomes more precious than anything in the world.

We are too aware of how delicate that relief is, but we are not allowed to give up. As I've been trying so hard to stand still and be everyone's shoulder to rely on, crying, I cannot help but wonder...why I always end up crying alone, and in everyone's eyes, I'm still considered as a cold, arrogant freak. Maybe I deserve that name, and maybe that's why dad told me to do grandparents' photos the other day...it must be for the worst, death, funerals, gravestones...And I came to realize another thing that, making me do it, has to be the most cruel thing I've ever been asked to do in my whole life. I could have refused, I could have asked any of my friends to do it for me, I could have simply said no.
I didn't.
It would be more painful to dad, and even though he always appears to be cool, I know better than that. So in the end I'd rather bear that on my own...and having been struggling with it for 2 days now. Every time I looked at any photo in the past, I ended up clutching my chest and crying my head off for the whole night, and the day after, and the loop of despair has been repeating itself in 3 days now.
Another realization made my heart sink. I've cried too much, never in 20 years of my damn life have I been this desperate, have I cried this much. I've cried most of the time in 4 days now, all night long I cried, in my sleep and nightmares my tears flow, the mornings I woke up, I also felt like crying but couldnt due to exhaustion, but when I turned on the computer and saw the photos I would cry again, and on my way to school, and Gosh, even in class I couldn't help myself...thinking of grandpa lying lifelessly in the cold bed forced my tears to come out again, and its such a shame that my friends saw it. Great, they now knew I'm not as strong as I always appeared to be, or I'm just a crybaby who couldn't even stop crying over such an inevitable!

Inevitable...death really is inevitable...I had always been wondering why those people were trying so hopelessly to find a way to cure their family members, ones who had been destined to die in a short time, why they did not let them go in peace...but now...I've come to understand the irony that we also are trying to fight the inevitable, to hang on such a delicate thread of hope. I realize another bitter truth that as long as there's a sparkle of hope, I will continue praying and crying for him, we all will, just because he is our family. Call me stupid, stubborn, daydreamer, whatever names you can come up with, it would still be the same to me, I've already cried too much.

And I still am.

Since when did I become this much of a weak and pathetic human?

We all are sharing the same pain and despair, but each of us has our own way of showing and hiding it. The only thing we all have in minds right now, I know, is regret. Regret for everything we've done to him. We had not treat him with the right attitude we were supposed to...he was sick and weak, he was complaining too much, overacting too much, and we had snapped at him! Gosh we had been annoyed, frustrated, mad, at a sick old man, for God's sake! He had been a little too much then, but after all, what in the BLOODY HELL gave us the RIGHT to fucking snap at him like that? For God's sake...he's our father, our grandfather...why did we do such a thing? Why the hell did we?
I still remember how I had been angry with him for being unfair to us, for always scolding and mocking my brother and sister for what they did not do, I was so mad that I had ignored him...Gods I had ignored my half-deaf grandfather...oh my God...

When he had told me to try my best to study, I had been annoyed for being underestimated and I tried to ignore him again. Or walk away. Or shake my head.
Oh my God why the fuck did I have to do that to him? My Gods...I had known too well he could not hear us well...No matter how I care for him, I have never asked him even a simple question "How are you?", even though I have always know he loves me the most among all his grandsons and granddaughters...though I came to visit him every week, or even every chance I had...
My Lord, what kind of a monster am I? Do I even deserve to be called human?
I certainly do not.
Oh my God what have I done to him? What have I done to him? What have I...done to my only grandfather? WHAT HAVE I DONE? OH.MY.GOD...
I should be the one who's going to die, not him...he really does not deserve that...
What have I done to him... oh my God....it hurts, it hurts too much...
Why did I do such a thing? How could I do such a thing? He's old, for God's sake, he had been trying too desperately to get our attentions just because all he had ever needed was simply our love..Oh my Gods, oh my dear Gods...he had been trying to do all those annoying things just because of that reason, the reason we've known too well and yet we had been unfair to him...What kind of an irony is this?
What have I done...what have we done to our poor grandfather?

Now he's just lying there, unconscious and dying, and I'm wishing to be scolded by him again...or just simply to hear his voice again...Oh Gods I'm so desperate, I'm so desperate...I dunno what to do anymore...
I'm so desperate,
so hopeless...


I got a chance to go into that evil white room today. It's been over 2 weeks I have not seen my grandfather and now when I saw him, lying unconsciously, I had to turn around and walk out of the room immediately for the fear I would cry uncontrollably in front of all those strangers...for God's sake, I could not even recognize him...so forlorn, so hurt...so dead...when my aunt walked out and cried like a baby, I knew I had to be strong again...for what, I did not even know...I wasn't even sure how long I could last myself...
I came into the room once again, ready to take all the outcome later. The new pain slammed at my heart again, it took my everything to keep myself stand still and my tears from flowing. That sucked, that situation sucked, even with my Aunt there with me I was still shaking, how could I dare think of a day my grandpa would be like this, and yet it came like nothing out of ordinary, like the most normal thing in the world.

Yes it is.

But to me, it has to be my worst despair.
I was touching his burning forehead and clutching his swollen hand, gently, and he did not know a thing. Not anymore.
He could not speak anymore. Breathing is already hard enough...
Everything he had wish for, every love and attention he had try so desperately to get, was now his and his alone, yet he did not know a thing.
He just did not know a thing.

Ironic, isn't it?

How long is this going to last? How many times is it going to crush my heart into shards? I really don't know...
I'm way too scared of the answer. I'm scared of reality. I'm so scared of this life now...
One thing is for sure, when the others were still clinging a bit more by his side since we only have 1 hour to see him per day, I had to leave the room again shortly before I completely broke down, physically and mentally. That was too much, way too much.
When the first teardrop fell, I knew it was time to leave before anyone could see it. So pathetic I am...

Had I known there would be this day, I never would have done those things.
I never would have being stubborn and cold.
I never would have tried to ignore him...
I...I never would have walked away that night, just a few hours before he was sent to the hospital...I would have done everything, sacrifice everything, just for a little more time being with him at home, listening to whatever he had to say, enduring everything, everything from him. Because I love him.
I love him very very much!


My dear Jesus, is it too late to say that now?

Anger comes after tears and despair is such a messy combination of them both. So hopeless, so desperate...
My God, will my sins ever be forgiven?

I am so sorry, grandfather. I really truly am sorry.
I wish time would turn back.
I wish I had never done those things to you...
I wish...our merciful Lord would show us His mercy and give us one more chance...just one more chance, and I swear, I swear...
nothing like that would happen again
I wish...
I wish...
Oh Gods I wish, how I wish...
I wish I was not so desperate like this so I would be able to wish for the right thing.
Just because I saw you today, I felt like my delicate hope died a little more inside...
my already shattered heart died a lot more than you could ever know...
and I'm dying in despair, it seems.

But I have to believe...

Please give him back to us, my Gods, give him back to me...
please...
I will do anything, everything.
just, please...

Memory must be the most dangerous weapon in the world...it can crush your soul into pieces of tears and sorrow within the shortest moment. So frightening. I fear.

Sympathy would not be what I need right now. Nor pity. If you've never been through this, trust me, you will never, ever understand what I'm feeling right now. But, as a matter of fact, probably everyone will have to go through this living hell, sooner or later, for life is a hopeless string of loss and tears and despair.
I guess that all makes us humans, humans.
And we human beings are all hopeless and desperate.


Would it be possible for me to die from crying too much?

Nov. 30th, 2009

bookman

And so I cry...

and I still am, knowing that nobody would understand.



And certainly, it would not be needed...

Oct. 17th, 2009

lavigift

Sleepsong - Secret Garden




Lay down your head
And I'll sing you a lullaby
Back to the years
Of loo-li,lai-ley
And I'll sing you to sleep
And I'll sing you tomorrow
Bless you with love
For the road that you go

May you sail fair
To the far fields of fortune
With diamonds and pearls
At your head and your feet
And may you need never
To banish misfortune
May you find kindness
In all that you meet

May there always be angels
To watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you
Safe from all harm
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley

May you bring love
And may you bring happiness
Be loved in return
To the end of your days
Now fall off to sleep
I'm not meaning to keep you
I'll just sit for awhile
And sing
Loo-li,lai-ley

May there always be angels
To watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you
Safe from all harm
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley

Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley

Oct. 11th, 2009

happyface

Happy belated birthday Lara-chan!



:iconjulye-chan:

Artist's Comments

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOU LARA-CHAN :iconlarablackearl:!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry this present was like, super-uber LATE
:iconcriesplz:
Moreover it was not very good cuz I've been busy lately, but I really hope you'll like it :"D

Here goes your sweet character Lara with my (weird and random) new style~
Maybe she doesn't exactly look like your Lara...maybe younger...and...err I dunno, but this is just how I imagine her to be. ^^;

----------------------------------------------------
Would you guys believe me if I said this was a rough sketch? And a result of me messing around with some marker tools? Hehe I hope you'll believe me, cuz its true.

Done with tablet and Painter 11, PS CS3
Time: don't remember -___-;;

I don't own those gorgeous textures, I'm sorry if I cant remember where I got them ;__;


Tags: ,

Sep. 15th, 2009

bookman

.Purple tears.



Fullsize plz!

And check out the twin purple drawing! My awesome best friend drew it for me! (and its me too <3)


:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

OMG IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!! I've finally done a girl!!!!!!!

Praesul Presul Project~

Lydianne Helios, my character :"D

(my name is based on it and my birthday guys!)


:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

Finally, after over 3 weeks struggling with this pain, I've submitted a new deviation with my new style! And it's not LAVI!

YAY ME!

See? I don't only know how to draw Lavi~
:iconimthinkingplz:

I was planning to draw more of my OCs but I'm not sure anymore, considering I totally fail at drawing them -___-

But just so you know, no matter how I appreciate that most of you voted for Lavi as my upcoming work, I'm on my Lavi break people, it's time for me to learn how to draw something else. someone else who is NOT Lavi xD

Would you hate me for that?
:iconsadplz:

Oh well, I'm sorry if this one was an epic fail. I've never tried drawing any of my characters this serious before, so please forgive me...I'll try harder next time.

:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

Tools: tablet, Painter 11, PS CS3
Texture~
:iconnight-fate-stock::iconvilla-arts:
Character and art (c)
:iconjulye-chan:


Sep. 10th, 2009

bookman

My lovely poupee <3

Fashion brand community - poupeegirl
by poupeegirl
Tags:

Aug. 22nd, 2009

illuslavi

FUCK YEAH MY SEXY HERO IS BACK!!!



My dearest twiny just brought me back to life by getting me to my extremely-Zero crazy mode, and guess what? FUCK YEAH I'M NOT TOO UPSET ANYMORE! Thank you twiny!!!!

Zero is back...


------------------------------------------------------------
I can't remember how many times I've dreamed of you,
of that breathtakingly beautiful face of yours,
of that earth-shatteringly gorgeous eyes of yours
and simply you
because I missed you

Oh you have no idea how I've longed for this moment, your heart-broken comeback that makes my heart break
you have no idea how I've missed you
how I've missed you

It felt like forever
I've been waiting in forever
but all the same it just felt like yesterday
just a day before I still struggled with my pain of losing my hope in you and everything about you
today you came back and broke my heart in bursting happiness

So breaking
so beautiful
How is it possible for someone to be so cold yet so beautiful, so breathtaking?
Your eyes...the most beautiful things in the dirty world...
are making me cry
are making me die
so cold
so cold
all the depths of your breathtaking beauty tell me you are ready for what was supposed to come for so long, so long
ready for breaking her heart
breaking her heart
and tearing it into pieces

When you're ready, I'm ready
break her heart and break my heart
tear her heart apart and I'll be torn in the absolute of my love for you

You would not say
you would not look
you would not feel
to draw out her guilt
to pull out her pain
to force out her tear


Your absolute indifference and her painfully crave for you
it's worth it
doesn't the princess of the night deserve that more than anyone else?
it's time to feel
it's time to mourn
it's time to pray for a beautiful deathwish...

Loves you
dead by your strong hands
stunning prayers covered in the beauty of blood
and you
my hero
I love you
and I will love you, love you, and love you
until the end of time
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart...

My hero.

------------------------------------------------------------

*DIES*

I FUCKING LOVE ZERO!!!!!!!!!
NOW TAKE THAT YUUKI!

Seriously, no more hope this time people, I'm not taking any risk. But yeah, the panel is freaking awesome!

Oh, and random/
I love Lavi the most XD
/ends random

Aug. 18th, 2009

bookman

In one fucking page....you're back, Lavi...



I didn't intend to read it this soon, but now I've read it, everything is officially gone. My delicate hope, my little excitement, my decreasing love.
It's gone, you know?
I didn't expect anything from it, not even in the slightest  for my so-called hope, yet I still had hope, somehow, in someway, it would be better than this.
Anything but this.

The whole chapter...even when it was a spoiler, I hadn't wanted to read it, but you know, I had to read it, I had to find you, I just had to. And I did...
My love for DGM died.
And my love for you...
Oh well, it can't be possibly increasing can it?

But it is.

The more I stare at you, the more my love is increasing.
The more I love you, the more I feel unfair for you.
And the more I feel unfair for you, the more I hate everything else,
and the more I love you.

More and more, it's just never enough. It's never been enough.

Sometimes, I feel tired.
Sometimes, I feel hopeless.
Waiting for you is just too exhausting and depressing. It's like looking forward to a fresh rain falling down upon a desert.
So exhausting. So depressing.

So hopeless.

I was hopeful and energetic and excited and trusting. I used to be.
But not anymore.
Can you expect more from the one who has just recovered a little from a fucking sickness that almost stole away her life a week ago?
Hopeful and hopeless, the distance is almost a zero.

More and more
the hope ceases and the love grows
It's just not enough.

11 months and 11 days I haven't been able to see your face. 11 months and 11 days.
A year has passed without you.
I'll have to wait more to see more and more. I don't mind.
But would I be able to do that? Would I be able to love you another day without hating everything else more than possible?

No matter how it was disappointing me, the moment I saw your face again, I knew that nothing else mattered. I didn't see anything else but you and you only. Everything was gone to nothing and the sudden pain was back.
It has been too long. How bitter we are. I had never realized how terrible I'd missed you until that moment.
How bitter I am.

And how unfair she is.
I tried not to blame her, I tried not to blame the others, I tried not to blame life, Gods I really tried, but I failed.
It's still unfair to you.
I know you deserve better than that, you truly really do. Its just that not everyone realizes that simple truth.

Unfair, huh? I know.

I never got to see your face clearly, the pretty face I've missed so much. I never got to see your lopsided grin, the grin I've come to love so much, too much.
More and more, it's getting more and more unfair.
Page after page, from the so-called 'cover' to the chapter, from the battles to the appearances of a whole new characters in ONE chapter. 50 fucking pages and 2 PANELS of ONE FUCKING PAGE in which you were allowed to appear.
I didn't even bother to read the translation of the rest. What's the point, aside from pushing myself over the edge?
Angry, mad, frustrated, disappointed, hopeless.
The feelings were terrible.
And I was all messed up, just because of you.

So hopeless.
I stared at you and suddenly I didn't want to look away anymore.
I stared and stared and stared.
I realized, I've never wanted to look away.
You got no smile, no grin, no peace. I love you still.
You were in battle with the frown all over your concerned face, I love you more.
You went back to that little habit of yours, rolling up your sleeves even with that uniform, I love you even more, I love you to no end.
You really never cease to amaze me, your style of clothing kills me every time I set an eye on you. You pain me whenever your smile is gone.

Like now.

So unfair. So depressing.

But I never want to look away.

I love you so much, too much.
She's unfair, life is unfair, but as long as it's for you, I can bear it.
Or at least, I'll try to.
Because I know you're still alive, and safe, and gorgeous.
And I know you will be alive, and safe, and gorgeous, till the end of time.
You'll stay strong for the sake of us, won't you?
You know you're the only reason I'm continuing this...you are going to be alive and safe, you have to.
Because I know you're strong.
And I love you.

I might hate everything else beside you in your world. I might hate your creator, or even the whole world, but I always love you and will always love you.

Just because I love you too much to stop loving you now, my dear.

Tags: ,

Aug. 10th, 2009

happyface

A reddish dream - Happy Birthday Lavi!



:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

"When red comes blur my vision,
the rain of colors falls down upon me
Gimme some more red
and black will become prettier
Gimme some more peace
and my heart will be warmer
and redder
And in this reddish little dream of mine
the smile will come from within..."

:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LAVI MY DEAREST BELOVED!
:iconartsyfartsymarcy::iconrainbowwaveplz1::iconrainbowwaveplz2::iconrainbowwaveplz3::iconartsyfartsymarcy:


You know how much I love you!
:iconiloveyouplz:

:iconkokorox: :bulletpink: :iconcakepinkplz: :bulletpink: :iconkokorox:

The poem is weird, I know.
The pic is weird, I know.
I'm weird, I know, thank you very much.

But well, what do you expect from me who has been in the worst state ever of health for weeks, and now can't even pick up a pencil?
Its my love for him helped me through all the pain and made it to this day.
I love Lavi so much!!!

Anyway, pic dedicated to my friend Artie-chan
:iconlove4allenwalker:
And my kouhai
:iconlauzy-jayne:

Happy belated birthday to you two :hug:

Btw, just want you to know, this drawing will be the last one from me in a long time ahead. I'm going to rest~ I've been working continuously for months...I'm so freaking tired and sick...

:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

Time: 5 days
Tools: Water colors, a lil touched up with Painter 11
Lavi (c) Hoshino (and me)
This drawing (c)
:iconjulye-chan: definitely

Sketch:
[link]
This one is actually a closed up and grown up version of my present last year for Lavi~
[link]

Aug. 8th, 2009

sleepingbeauty

-A tribute for you, our dear Father, and us humans-

The first time I heard about your sickness, it took me a week to go back to my usual self. Not that I'm happy all the time but it really got me and I thought I was going down for real. Why? I didn't know, and I still don't.  People don't understand that, you're nothing more than a mere stranger to me, though maybe it's more than that, but basically you still are a stranger. I've never talked to you, even once. Maybe we did talk, but they didn't count as conversations.
You were still a mere stranger, and I still felt the pain piercing my heart.
I cursed and cursed and cursed the life and how unfair it was. No matter how many times I did, it was still not enough. Not enough.
I prayed and prayed and prayed to God, my God, your God, our God, for you to live. For your right to live.
Sometimes I thought it was useless, it was hopeless, and I was desperate yet I didn't stop my prayers. We didn't stop, we never did. But somehow I still thought it was desperate and we would have to face it in the end.

We did.

You were gone.

Yesterday.

I heard it. The cancer took away your life, just like it always does to all the people in this world. You gave up the fight.
I wonder why it didn't rain. Is it because our tears are enough?
I wonder why I'm crying now and why I didn't cry yesterday.
I wonder why I'm feeling the pain in my heart for a stranger.

Pathetic, I still have no answer.
Maybe you're not a stranger after all. You are the priest, our dear priest. Our dear Father.
My dear Father.
I'm talking nonsense, ain't I? But to me you're always a father. A stranger and a father.
I'm nothing to you but I've watched you ever since I started going to this church years ago, 4 years, or 5, or 6, too long that I even lost count half way. But I know from my observation, I've always known, you're a nice person, a good priest, and a great father. I feel bad because my dad didn't like you that much, I feel so bad, but that didn't beat my admiration toward you. I don't admire many people, but I do you. I never forget the times you offered everyone that tender smile and taught us those lessons of life, the times you picked up those innocent kids in the church you didnt even know and gave them the little amount of candies you had from that simple life you had always been living, alone, and the times you silently stood at the hallway, watching another priest giving lectures with the same smile you offered everyone, and sometimes you laughed with us all too. It always made me feel so warm, but right now just thinking of it pains me to no end.

Taking you away at the age of fifty, life sure is the cruelest.
But isn't it, as always?

I never could have thought I would never be able to see you anymore. But it happened like the most normal thing, and I couldn't even have enough time to blink.
Is it my fault because I sometimes forgot to pray for your right to live through the cancer, instead I prayed for everyone around me and for my damn life more? Is it my fault? Did God take you away because of my fault alone, and now he wants me to take this punishment of pain? I don't know, I really don't get it, but if it's my fault, I will never be able to live through.
I was so selfish to pray for myself. I should never have done that.
I'm so sorry.

I came to the funeral at the church tonight. I get why mom kept telling me about your life and family, which also happened to be a brother who was living in USA and a long lost old mother who couldn't even recognize you when they brought her to see your corpse. It was because she wanted me to feel, she wanted me to stop being an arrogant cold freak she and everyone always think of me as, and she wanted me to sympathize and care for  everyone around me. I know it, I know it all, but why did she keep repeating it over and over again? Didn't she know every single word that concerned you and your death was like a knife piercing through my heart?
Oh, right. She didn't know. She doesn't know. And maybe she will never know.
I'm not that cold freak she always sees in me, I'm not that arrogant weirdo everyone always sees in me. I'm just a loser. A failure of life. A miserable girl who wants nothing more than a little peace for her already shattered heart but never gets it because she understands very well what life is and how life is.
I'm just a pathetic human who cannot resist the damn tears flowing my vision even just because of some stranger's death.
I tried to appear cold while the pain really screwing up my inside. It hurt so much.
But they don't understand. Mom doesn't understand. It's just impossible to understand.
And so it hurt even more because even I don't understand myself.
It just hurt.

I lost something. Someone.
In my life.

A stranger.
and a father.

They kept rubbing on my pain. All those people with their tear-stained eyes, those purple flowers and while clothes, those sad prayers and tributes. All those way too familiar scenes suddenly became too strange, too far away from my reach, and everything and nothing. They all forced my tears to come out.
So cruel.
Life is cruel, they are cruel, I'm cruel as well.
So cruel.
Crying makes me feel the cruelty. So hurt, so cruel.
The statue of Mother Maria still stood there, and would be standing there forever, but you were gone. All those things and all those people turned to strangers.
And they made me cry. Damn them. Damn the tears. Damn the prayers. Damn the flowers. Damn the tributes. Damn myself. Dammit, dammit all!
The sickness and the tears were torturing me to death, I couldn't breath, I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, and I didn't even want to. I just couldnt let them see me in that state, couldnt let mom see me in that state.

Swallowing was even more painful.

I hate it. I hate it that you had to die. I hate it that I couldnt stop crying. I hate it that I'm human, you're human, we all are and we can't do a thing for our lives, because humans are pathetic.
I hate myself for feeling unfair for you and crying for you even though I know too damn well it's God's decision and I can't even utter a word.
It's still unfair.
I hate myself for being too selfish for wanting you to live a little longer, even though I know too damn well you were suffering a hell lot of pain that could kill you at any minute. And you never uttered a complaint. You never wanted to be a burden to us.
And yes, I'm just that selfish and cruel.
You started to talk more than usual, smile more than usual, joke even more than you had ever done in your life, but we knew it better. I knew it better. The weak smiles you offered, the weak jokes you were trying to make, and the inner pain we were seeing in you. Everything you were trying your hardest to do, we knew.
It hurt you a lot, I know, and you even admitted, "I'm hurt so much, yet those people need me" in those last days of your life and spent your last time helping them.
It hurt me too, you know.
Why did you have to sacrifice so much even when you were in pain? Is it what you have to do being a priest, a servant of God? It's just unfair, call me selfish, call me cruel, but it's still unfair!

And its also pointless for me sitting here and writing those nonsense words, but I just have to. I want to. I'm doing this for you, even though you might never know.
I could have lost my faith in God because of this...but I can't. I know this is His decision, and He is ALWAYS right.
Maybe it's better like this, you won't have to suffer anymore.
Its unfair, but let me bear that alone.
I don't get it why those people came to your funeral just to ask you to pray for them. Maybe it's what they always do, but it's not right to me. I don't want to do it. I came to see you the last time, to pray for you, and maybe, to cry for you. But I didn't come to ask for anything, no, I didn't want to. If I need anything, I will try to pray to my God, but I dont want to ask you to do it for me. It's my job, and I'll pray for you with all my will. You did a wonderful job as our great father, now the pain is gone and you can finally rest in the embrace of our God. That's what you deserve.
Gods you really deserve Heaven. If not I wouldn't know what to say to God....You really were a wonderful person and I believe that God know that too.

Though it's still a little unfair of Him to take you away.

And it was so cruel of Mom to make me go see your face one last time. She didn't know how painful it was for me...she just had to make me. And Gosh, I really felt like crying again seeing you in that icy cold coffin, so cold, so lonely, so...dead. And she just had to make it worse by asking me about it again and again. It hurt me so much to act cold and annoyed to her, just to hide my damn tears.
Why? Why does everyone keep forcing my tears out? Why are my memories messing with me? Why am I crying again?

Why am I crying?

So cruel.
Life is cruel and humans are pathetic. I'm pathetic.

Would you cry for me, a stranger, like I'm doing, if I died?


My prayers for you were not enough, and God still took you away. From your pain. From your life. From us.
Heaven sometimes is just too cruel.

It was over. And it would be over soon enough.
It wasn't enough, an I wonder if it would ever be.
You've done your long journey, what about me? What am I supposed to do, knowing death can take away anything and anyone in any damn second of my life? Or even myself.
Would it ever be enough?

I'm still doing this for you.
I will try and try and try, because of what you deserve to have. You have the right to live a better life.
I will cry for you because I'm just that weak of a pathetic human.
I will pray for you because you were my great father of a stranger, and always will.
I will love you for who you were and who you will be.

I know it wasn't enough, it isn't enough.
I know life is cruel and humans are pathetic and I'm selfish.
I know it's unfair and it's painful and I'm hurt.
But I will still let the pain pierce my heart and the tear flow my eyes, just so my prayers can reach you.
And our dear God.

I will pray for you and I know it will reach.
Because I believe.


Tags: ,

Jul. 25th, 2009

bookman

Color quiz again-

I was bored~~~~ So yeah XD


Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

I better go back to writing chapter 2~ XD It's 12:30AM =__=
Tags:

Jul. 20th, 2009

juju

_Gotta let it go_



:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

Frozen sea
is what my tears have turned into
Darkened mirror
is that my smiles have vanished into
Throwing all the lies to the surfaces
I have to keep the truth in the lowest layer of my mind
There's no eternity
in the darkest history I'm walking through
The sun still shines
the winds still blow
the clouds still drift off one by one
I'm still walking
yet my heart refuses to cease beating

Gotta let it go, I gotta let it go
let it fly far, far away

The sun is burning and the colors fade away into black
of history I've chosen
Farewell my heart,
Gotta let it go, I gotta let it go~


:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

A simple painting I did in one night for my little cousins who live in Seattle.
And I FAILED!
I have no idea how come it turned out this way, but it was a failure of my undying of for a certain redhead. If you don't like my idea, you can consider that boy as anyone you like . I failed at this one after all. T__T

Now I know that I really do suck at water coloring!

This was more like a random painting than a fanart, so please take no offense and don't kill me >___<

Yet I still want to dedicate it to everyone who has come wish me a happy Birthday, and especially to my friends who have given me those amazing Lavi drawings that I love soo muuuch!
Thank you everyone! You have no idea how much I appreciate them. You guys really are the best!

Love you all <3
:iconballoonplz:

------------------------------------------------

Time: 6 hours
Tool: Water colors

Jul. 16th, 2009

bookman

[Belated present for myself] "Sweet dreams, my Junior..."



:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

The hidden history
for all those years you've kept on walking through
The forbidden heart
for all those tears you've kept on shedding inside
From the endless nightmare
you've been trying so hard to run away...
always and always
life is an endless dream of reality...

Wishing for peace
Wishing for freedom
Wishing for reality
Wasted wishes drowning in the meaningless wishing well…

Blood flowing and wind blowing
You're free...

Sweet dreams, Junior
'Cause you're free
No more fears, no more tears
Washing away all the endless nightmares
'Cause you're free...

Sweet dreams, my Junior
Sweet dreams, my Lavi...


:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO ME!


I've always wanted to do a Lavi in Bookman clothing with a smile and completely "free" from everything that's been chaining him inside out. And here it is.

First attempt at painting a whole detailed picture with only water colors. I think I failed, but I'm still practicing, don't kill me yet ;__;

Now come to think of it, I should have kept this until Lavi's birthday >< But it's too late, what am I supposed to do for his incoming birthday then? Awww T^T

Maybe I'm a little bit satisfied this time?
:iconballoonplz:
 
 
 
Anyways, hope you like.

----------------------------------------------
As always, Lavi belongs to Hoshino-sensei but it's obvious that this Lavi is MINE! XDD

Time: 5 days
Tool: Water colors.
The sketch:
 
 

 

Jul. 14th, 2009

happyface

Happy Birthday to me <3

  • Mood: Happy Tears
  • Listening to: HBD <3
  • Reading: HBD <3
  • Watching: Lavi <3333
  • Playing: Water colors!
  • Eating: My BDay cake :'D
  • Drinking: Nothing baby XD I love Lavi (random)
:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :iconcakepinkplz: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

:iconhellothereplz: It's July 14th in my timezone! :icondweebdanceplz::iconblushyplz:

Here it is again, and as always, it still gives me a creep every time it comes to me and makes me 1 year older. Time is the most scariest thing in the world to me.

So, I've been here for over 1 year and this time I guess I really have to say goodbye to my teenage huh? That's too bad, you all know how much I hate turning 20...but oh well, I'm still human and all humans are powerless.
That sucks.
:iconhahplz:

:iconkittydividerplz::iconkittydivider2plz::iconkittydivider3plz::iconkittydivider4plz::iconkittydividerblueplz:

Ah, anyways, I'm not gonna complain on this day, it wouldn't be so nice to do so right?
:iconiluplz:
Even though my health has been falling down uncontrollably a whole lot lately and I'm not even able to hang out with friends at all in this state, and even though I've been stuck in bed for 2 weeks and still am, maybe a few more weeks, I'm still proud to say that,
I'm happy this year!
:iconballoonplz:

You might not believe me. Yeah I don't even believe myself after all the craps I've been through, but I'm being honest here. The craps are still here with me, but I'm still happy, nothing can kick that little happiness out of me until a few more days! Of course, nothing is gonna last forever, you know that right?
But still, thank you all for dealing with me in such a long time. I know I'm crazy and depressed and maybe even emo sometimes, but you guys still did not kick me outta your life. And I want you to know that I truly appreciate that.
:iconsweethugplz:


Life is such a pain, but I don't think I'm gonna be beat down that easily.
I still have you all, my dear friends.
I still have my family.
I still have my Lavi.

That's all I need.

I've been trying my best to make a present for myself done in today, but I'm not sure if I can make it with this state of health. I'm still coloring it now, guys. I hope you won't mind if it comes a bit late...and messy. I haven't been able to draw this for almost a year, and I really missed it.
You guys will get to see my present soon, I promise.

:iconkittydividerplz::iconkittydivider2plz::iconkittydivider3plz::iconkittydivider4plz::iconkittydivider5plz:

So, HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY TO YOU, JUJU-CHAN! I wish you...err...I dunno what to wish for you. Anyways, all the best? That sounds cliché ><

And also happy birthday to another 2 friends of mine who happen to have the same BDay as me! I love you two a lot, Yurita-chan and Irene-chan!!!
:icongigglecake: :tighthug:


:iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconhikawaii2plz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz:

And Julye is going to love Lavi 'til the end of time!
Remember, LAVI IS LOVE, people!

:bulletred::bulletorange::bulletyellow::bulletgreen::bulletblue::bulletpurple: :heart:
:iconjulye-chan::iconequalsplz::iconbigheartplz::heart: :bulletpurple::bulletblue: :bulletgreen::bulletyellow::bulletred::bulletorange:

And Julye really still does love her Lavi more than anything <3

:iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz::iconlaviplz::iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz:
:iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz::iconlavibodyplz::iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz::iconsparklesplz:

Come give me a hug?
:iconhug-meplz:

:bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:
:iconcakepinkplz: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink: :bulletwhite: :bulletpink:

I had 215 pageviews today on DA and a whole lot of greetings from friend. This is the best birthday ever!!!
Comments and greetings on dA

Jul. 7th, 2009

shok

[LaviYu Day fic] The Lavi Syndrome - 1

I will dedicate this story to Dem-chan (aka Dementia Morphia, the organizer of this event), my greatest LaviYu friend ever; Kuro-chan (aka Kuro666, one of the best LaviYu fanfic writers), my dearest honey; and Lara-chan (aka LaraBlackEarl, another awesome writer), my sweetest best friend. They're my biggest support ever, I really love them!
And of course, my love for all of my Lavi and LaviYu fellows!

Title
:
The Lavi Syndrome
Rating
: T
Summary:
After an unexpected birthday present from Lavi, and a one-month long mission, will the almighty Kanda be able to handle the pressure from the whole Order and his inner battles to face the truth of his worsening syndrome, or will he finally give in to his insanity? Will the missing Lavi be able to help? 

Pairing:
LaviKanda. For the LaviYu Day.

Warning:
If you're not a LaviYu fan, or ESPECIALLY, a Lavi fan (like myself), please take your leave. I will not take any offense toward Lavi, people! Seriously.
My sense of humor is extremely crazy, you have been warned.
And this story will be full of insanity, mostly of Kanda's. *shot* So if you're a loyal fan of Kanda and easily offended, be careful (or should I say that to myself? *gulps*). But I don't think there was anything too serious about it. Just relax, and enjoy it.
Another warning, my writing is not perfect at all. Again, I'm an artist, not a writer.
And the last but not least, no more warning people! (see how my brain works?)

Disclaimer:
I've stolen Lavi from Hoshino for too long now, so of course I own Lavi! Don't you have an answer for his long absence in the manga? Yep, that's my doing, thank you very much!

Of course you wouldn't take me seriously would you? I would die to own Lavi, but I'm obviously still alive, see my point? I don't own Lavi! (But I own the Lavi FC)
And no, I own neither DGM nor the definition of 'Syndrome'. It's not like I want to, or ever wish to.


- T H E . L A V I . S Y N D R O M E -

- Part 1-



The term ‘syndrome’ refers to a group of symptoms that collectively indicate or characterize a disease, psychological disorder, or other abnormal condition. In recent decades, this term has been used outside of medicine in order to refer to a combination of phenomena seen in association. The description of a syndrome usually includes a number of essential characteristics, which when concurrent lead to the diagnosis of the condition, and usually, undesirable condition or quality. Bad conditions caused by unnamed syndromes often lead to abnormal characteristic pattern of behaviors, and then disasters.

Just like the insanely eventful disaster at the Head Quarter of the Black Order in one evening, location still undefined.

That had been a wonderful evening before the storm coming, no Akuma, no Noah, no crazy invention or any Komurin uncountable-X, no stupid fighting between the ‘you-are-a-bean-sprout’ and the ‘I-am-no-bean-sprout’, and surprisingly no annoying redhead, which meant no nothing. It had been a surprise at first, but as the clock ticked on, people had grown more and more nervous, the mere surprise had turned to pure panic and fear of what kind of evil tricks the infamous prankster redhead had been plotting for all the evening that had made the already quiet Head Quarter so, well, quiet. But as God never wanted to see his dear children suffer from a pointless fear and a part of Him could not stand the surprising boredom for too long, He finally made his move and that was when the lightning struck right onto everyone in the Order and all Hell broke loose as the storm was coming. Okay, maybe it was a little too much specific. To put it in a simpler way, all the quietness and boredom ended completely when the Japanese Samurai returned from his mission.

In another way of saying, Kanda Yu was on his way to the large hall.
And he was in an extremely bad mood.

Being in a bad mood was just one of the long lasting emotional states, but it might as well become a syndrome in some way with bad conditions, and they, as in ‘people’, including either geniuses and idiots, called it “the Bad Mood Syndrome”. But it was kind of beside the point, at least not in this situation. The Japanese exorcist was just in his usual bad mood, as normal as it was. People talked too much, he got mad. People laughed too loud, he got mad. People breathed too close to him, he got mad. The leaves fell and the wind blew, he got mad as well.
Okay, so it was not very normal, but sometimes people just kept forgetting the main subject of their in-progress research and analysis, and in this story, Kanda Yu. Yes we were talking about Kanda Yu, the simplest teenager in the world of black and white (and the most complicated samurai in the history, but scratch that), and he getting mad was the most natural thing on the planet, just like kids love candies and Lavi loves teasing Kanda.
More like annoying. Or irritating.
Anyways, speaking of which, the absence of a certain redhead and the whole quiet thing were starting to get on his nerves bit by bit. Usually he would trade anything (except Mugen and his precious lotus, which meant nothing) to get some quiet time for himself, and usually, he always got what he wanted by force. But this whole silence thing along with the nervous surrounding, and the lack of Lavi, he mentally added, were just unusual. And he hated things out of ordinary, because they always pissed him off to no end, which would lead to his every-day-bad-mood, and eventually come back to Lavi, who always seemed to be the cause of everything ‘unusual’ in his oh-so-normal life. Speaking of Lavi, the lack of his presence once again came to his mind like an unmerciful strike of thunder.

Great. Just great.

The beautiful young exorcist angrily stepped through the large door of the hall way, his long raven hair was lazily let down as each silky strand flowing freely around his slim waist and glowing under the early moon. Once again his natural beauty was completely ignoring its owner’s mental state as he continued to his unending Japanese curses under his breath, glaring at every single person he passed by as furiously as a super human possibly could. He looked tired, angry, exhausted, and angry. So he was angry. But how could he not? He was finally back from a Goddamn long and exhausting mission after a whole freaking month and everything was just seeming to push him over the edge. People were acting a little too much nervous around him. The Order was a little too much quiet, the air grew too hot, the wind blew too loud, and there was not a sight of the stupid redhead!

Basically on his mind, only the last reason mattered to him, yet being in denial as he always was, he just had to make a long stupid list just to increase his anger with the last reason, and he didn’t even know why! Damn, his mind was playing back the stupid incident again, and even though it had happened a day before he left for his mission, and it had been a month since then, it still felt extremely fresh in his non-photographic memory.

The idiot Lavi had sneaked into his room that night while he was packing, grinning widely at him before suddenly shoving a small red box into his hands and then made a bee line for the door in a fraction of a minute, the earlier grin never left his face. No word had fallen from either of them. Kanda had just stood there, dumbstruck as he continued staring at the Birthday present Lavi had just given him for a good fifteen minutes before it dawned on him completely.

And dammit, the idiot had successfully fled away without having his body sliced in half!

He had gone back to stare at the box anyway. Had it been possible that the box was a new prank of the idiot, or it was definitely some kind of bomb inside that could make people do something extremely crazy or embarrassing, or laugh to death. What else could have made the redhead run off so damn fast if not the thought of being blown up with the poor long-haired victim?

The answer was too simple, the Birthday boy.

Kanda Yu had always been the scariest thing, or person, in the Order, and along with Mugen never leaving his side, he was almost invincible.
‘So it couldn’t be a bomb’, the invincible samurai had reassured himself as he slowly unwrapped the box. If death were not his problem, then there was nothing that could scare him right?
Right, and that was when the thing inside the box had totally gotten him. He would have dropped it to the ground had he not realized it was actually a cake. A small, heart-shaped, chocolate cake to be exact. On top of the cake had stood proudly a tiny plushie bunny holding up a small heart-shaped piece of paper with some neat Japanese words, which obviously belonged to the Bookman Junior. And it had looked so cute that even the cold arrogant exorcist had allowed the corner of his lips to curve into a small smile while reading it. It had been a simple birthday greeting written in his first language, but until now he could still feel the warmth from the words themselves, just like the bittersweet taste of that cake…

Wait, did he just think it was sweet?

Dammit, that was it! The evil plan of the idiot, was actually to make him eat sweet things, which he loathed, and to make him think those sweet things sweet, which he had just done. Unintentionally, he added. Maybe the thing was sweet for real, but why the heck should he care! He hated sweets, for God’s sake! And until now he still had no idea what on Earth had gotten into him to have him eat that cake in the first place… Was it because of the cute bunny, or the warm Japanese note? Or maybe just because of the one who had given it? He didn’t know, and he was so confused and irritated.
No, he was angry just thinking about it again. And there was the whole quiet thing around him, and the lack of…no, he was getting caught in an unending loop of his stupid thoughts!

Stupid Order. Stupid thoughts. Stupid cake. Stupid bunny. Stupid Lavi!

Argh, again! That stupid ‘L-a-v-i’ thing was starting to get on his nerves. That was not good. He needed to get distracted. He needed to let out his anger before he lost it. Quickly.
And they said when you got angry, the fastest way to get away from it was to pick on someone else. Someone annoying. Someone irritating. Someone like La—uh oh.
That was close.

Someone like that idiot over there!

He quickly jumped to a God-sent distraction, and in this situation, some poor idiot who was getting in his way. Or in his way of saying, who breathed the same air as his in a close distance. Killing would do better than picking on ‘it’, but it was still a no-go.

“You over there!”, he snapped

“Y-Yes…Kanda-sama? Did I-I do something…wrong? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Please don’t kill me!”, the poor finder was seemingly having a hard time to piece his mind together again as he had just swallowed his tongue in panic.

“Say, why is everyone acting so nervous? And why are things so quiet here? If I ever found out you lied to me…”, he said lowly in a warning tone.

“No no I would never lie to you! It’s just…as far as I can see, it’s because of the absence of Lavi-sama and people were just afraid of what he might—”

He never got to finish his sentence. And he would never get to know the reason of his death, or unconsciousness, was because he had said the ‘forbidden word’ earlier. As soon as the word fell from his lips, Kanda had immediately decided the first sacrifice of the day for his ‘Bad Mood Syndrome’.
Poor soul, he hadn’t known the poor Kanda-sama had been tortured by his inner thoughts for a whole month and now he just had to pay for accidentally turning ‘Kanda’s violent mode’ on.
Things couldn’t get any better. Or worse.

Stupid finder. Stupid thoughts. Stupid cake. Stupid bunny. Stupid Lavi!

There, he’d said it again. But he was an exception, wasn’t he? It’s not like he could kill himself for saying the word, or thinking of the idiot, or missing—oh no, he didn’t even know what was on his mind anymore! There was no way in hell he would actually mis— okay, another forbidden word! That damn rabbit, shoving him in this whole pain in the ass like this…he was going to kill that idiot!
Lav—the redhead was going to pay once he found him! Clenching at his beloved Mugen, he was about to make his search for the missing rabbit until it struck him not-so-kindly.

Wait a minute, he could not face that idiot right now! His face and his brightly reddish style and his sweet grin and—

Had he just said what he thought he had just said?

Dammit, he had forgotten the key word! There, he mentally added the ‘sweet’ word to his increasingly ‘forbidden word’ list. This was totally screwed! Now he knew for sure that he could never face the idiot with his mental state like this again, or else his whole list, along with his life, would be completely ruined! In order to protect his perfect image, all he had to do was to report the mission, find something to eat (which sure would eventually end up soba), go to his room, and done. Everything would be just fine once he was back to his room. There were only 2 obstacles left, and he would make sure to ace them as quickly as inhumanly possible.

Or that was what he had thought.

He didn’t know how wrong he had been until the very moment he grumpily rushed in Komui's office. He had to try his best to restrain himself from killing the stupid Head Officer for using that stupid coffee cup with that pink bunny thing, which was stupid as well. All bunnies seemed to remind him of…scratch that, he couldn’t hate bunnies because currently there was one in his pocket, the cute little one he had been keeping with him all the time ever since someone had given him in his birthday.
And because of that stupid someone, he now had to immediately curse himself and silently add another word in his list. 'Cute', dammit! He couldn’t believe he had actually said that, the ‘bad mood’ thing had gone too far, and he was sure as hell it wasn’t just a mood anymore. It had somewhat become a sickness. And this sickness obviously had something to do with that bunny! Not the bunny plushie, but a bunny boy!

It was the Supervisor’s sing-sang voice that sent him flying back to reality. Very cruel reality.

“So, Kanda-kun, how was the trip? Aside from the mission that is.”

His brow twitched. How dared he ask such stupid question when his life was on a very slight thread that was called 'the Kanda Yu’s self-control’?

“Che.”

Lesson number two in Kanda book, when you are at loss at words or you’re trying your best to control the urge to kill, just say 'che'.
After the failure of the 'picking-on-someone-when-you’re-angry' in lesson number 1, he had to make sure this one would work at all cost. As long as he said nothing but 'che', everything would go well and he would soon move to the last obstacle. Perfect plan. Perfect book. Perfect Kanda.

“Are you in your usual bad mood, Kanda-kun? Ah I see…then I better not bother your rest anymore. Thank you for your hard work, you can leave now.”

After giving him a warning glare for the 'bad mood' part, he silently sighed in relief and made his way towards the door. It worked. Now to the last—

“By the way, if you happen to see Lavi-kun around, please pass my word to him that I need hi—”

CRASH!

'Keep your calm, Yu, keep your calm. Rule number one, cannot kill people. Can-not-kill---'

“YOU STUPID KOMUI! DO NOT EVER MENTION THAT AGAIN!”

'Keep your calm, Yu, keep your calm.'

The whole office was almost blown up by his Mugen as if to prove another failure of the Kanda book and lesson number two, and the second sacrifice was made right at that moment to remind the poor victim and the rest of the Order that the 'KandaYu’s self control' thread had broken. If not for the stupid rule number one messing in his head, Komui would have been dead by now.

However, judging by his current state and the blood dripping on Mugen, it was not like he could be considered 'alive' in a long time ahead though…

Leaving the supposed corspe buried six feet under the whole mess he had just mercilessly caused, the pretty murderer harshly kicked the already destroyed door and walked off like nothing had happened at all. It was absolutely none of his concern. His mind at this very moment was pretty much occupied by the image of a certain redhead, and anger. Yes, the anger had slowly getting unbearable and soon Rule number one would be thrown into a trash bin as well. Thank Gods that at least he had managed to regain a little bit of his composure or else he would have to very soon follow his victim.
But that didn’t mean it didn’t trouble him at all, in fact he was not sure how long he would be able to keep his sanity anymore. It was getting out of his hands bit by bit, thanks to all the stupid people around him.

Stupid Komui. Stupid people. Stupid sickness. Stupid bunny. Stupid La—

Slap! He was at it again! This time he had to mentally and repeatedly slap himself for his stupidity. Okay it was worse. Though look on the bright side, no new forbidden word on the list! Yay, he was making a process! Or was he?
Oh no, that was it. He was starting to lose it. Now that there was no more stupid words that bothered his mind, no more obstacle between himself and the truth he had been denying all the time, meaning he was coming closer and closer to the point of using the word direct to that redhead, meaning…
NO! There was no way he would let it happen!
Wait a minute, there was still one more obstacle he had to get over, right? A new distraction, good, he needed that. Gods knew how he needed that. This had better be a good one, or else…lets just think positive. It's not like he felt any hungry anymore, after all those pressure he’d been through with his new-found sickness, no, syndrome. Yes, that must be a syndrome!

Bad conditions caused by unnamed syndromes often lead to abnormal characteristic pattern of behaviors, and then disasters.

He gulped. That was it. The almighty Kanda Yu had gotten a serious mental problem, and it was some Goddamn syndrome for God’s sake! Whatever God that existed must have really hated his guts. And look at what he had done wrong! Nothing, except being extremely sexy! And to those people who had fallen for him (and also been kicked by him right after that), it was totally absolutely completely their faults for being stupid! How could he be the one at fault when he couldn’t help being the hottest? He was the victim of his natural beauty here, people. And besides, it was also not his fault for already falling for another one who was equally sexy, if not more.
Of course, come to think of it personally, that person was always one step ahead of him. He was a bit younger yet taller, hotter, cuter, funnier, weirder, smarter, more beautiful in every way and his body shape was one of perfection. Kanda wasn’t bothered by that, what bothered him the most was the fact that he didn’t mind himself admitting that 'the other person' was better than him at all. In fact, he actually held some kind of respect and admiration towards the other boy, not to mention the times he really had thought the boy was the hottest with his sweetest earth-warming lopsided grin and his brightest gorgeous emerald green eye and especially the most stunning flaming red hair…But what he loved the most was---

Goddamn him for having gone too far!

How that could happen, he had no clue. But it had happened in some way and here he was, cursing himself in every language he’d come to learn in all those years. 'Hottest', 'sweetest', 'gorgeous', 'beautiful', 'perfection', blahblahblah… It was like he had used up all of his 'nice words' in a few minutes just for the sake of that damn idiot! Where had he learned those words anyway? Now his list didn’t even have enough space for them anymore, after all his brain wasn’t an unlimited box, dammit! He felt like slamming his head against the wall over and over again, he was losing it way too fast, and he didn’t know what to do anymore…

And why was he in the dining room again?

SOBA! That’s right, he was here to eat soba, no, to find his distraction! And here it was, the best distraction ever! Soba, he needed his soba. Right now only soba could save him from his doom. Soba! Mister Sobaman needed his soba right at that moment!

That was the last thought before he stormed into the room, and straight ahead to Jerry.

“Yo Kanda-kun, it’s been a while. How have you bee—oh, not so good, I assume? Soba like usual, isn’t it? Alright, there you go!”, he said, as cheerful as always.

Well, at least he didn’t comment any further. That was a good sign. If things kept going this way, he believe he would get over this obstacle and get some sleep in his dear room very soon. Then he would forget everything that had happened today, and he would go back to the almighty Kanda Yu again. It was good to think positive, wasn’t it?

Too bad.

Life never seemed to go on his way. Maybe that was his punishment for sacrificing more than one not-so-innocent people in one evening, or, just being hot. He didn’t know.
But it was obviously that he could hear. Not from just one person, but a bunch of people.

“Do you have any idea what he’s been up to? It’s way too quiet to be considered normal!”, a finder said to his friends.

“Lavi-sama, you mean? Your guess is as good as mine, but I do hope this time he won’t drag us all into his mess like last time. It was such a terrible disaster”, another one sighed in nervousness.

He twitched.

“I still remember the last time he tried to steal some potion of the Head Officer, and I ended up transforming into a flying pig for a whole day! If he came up with something this time, I sure as hell would be the first one to run off.”, the Japanese boy could hear a trembling voice from them.

“That was horrible! I saw the Bookman being turned into a real Panda as well. Lavi-sama can be sooo scary if he really wants to…”

The second time. He twitched again. It was coming closer to an end.

“Speaking of which, did you guys hear what happened to a poor finder and our Head Officer with his office? I wonder whether those were some kind of Akuma or his doing as well. After all Lavi-sama had been disappearing for—hey, did you hear some cracking sound?”

Crack. That was the sound of his self-composure coming to the point of totally breaking to shards.

BAAAAAAANG!!!

That was it! No more Mr. Nice guy! No more self-restraint! Screw his composure. Screw his lesson. Screw soba. Screw the Goddamn rule number one, or two, or whatever! Screw the whole Order, and even the whole world! Why the heck should he give a damn! Those idiots had driven him insane, and they were gonna pay for that!

“MUGEN: Kaichu Ichigen!”

That was the last thing they had ever heard before the blue light came crushing down on them. They had asked for it, now they had it. No more nervousness about Lavi and the whole quiet thing, which also had just become a 'no more'. Nobody was injured badly but the surrounding wasn’t that lucky. In a minute, the once dining hall was now just chaos with everything was either blown up, or shattered and destroyed completely. Kanda Yu on the other hand just stormed off indifferently as though he had just blown up a fallen leaf, anger never once leaving his cold face. Neither of them dared say a single word.
Yep, that was definitely the third sacrifice of the day.
And now the whole Order knew Kanda Yu was angry.

It was supposed to feel good as usual, but it didn’t feel any better. He was still angry. He didn’t give a damn about what the people had learned, he didn’t give a damn about what he himself had done, he didn’t give a damn about anything at all. He had been pushed over the edge, and he could not ignore it anymore. This was all because of Lavi.

SLAP!

He had slapped himself hard for real this time. So what? It all was still Lavi’s fault. Because Lavi had given him the damn cake along with the bunny, and the note, and the heart things. Because Lavi had always given him that damn bright grin whenever and wherever they’d met, the grin he didn’t know if it was real or not.

SLAP. SLAP. SLAP.

Damn you Lavi.

He was the reason for all of this mess. And those people. Those fucking idiots. They had just had to bring up Lavi wherever he went to, and pushing him deeper and deeper into his sickening and worsening syndrome. No matter how hard he had tried, he still had failed, and would always fail, because the syndrome was still here, in his damn body and head and mind. It was what his heart had been denying all the time, and now the heart must have been angry and decided to strike him back with this damn syndrome.

Touché.

And then the idiots had just had to say those crappy things about Lavi. What the hell had been wrong with them? Lavi was an energetic boy, an annoying rabbit, and sometimes an irritating prankster. He was a mysterious Bookman-in-training, but also a nice person, and the brightest light in the gloomy days at the Black Order to be honest. He always admired Lavi for that, though he would be damned if he ever admitted it. But the things those people had said were really unbearable, especially with his state of mind, and he just couldn’t help but get angrier and allow his composure to break just so he could teach them a bloody lesson. He couldn’t let they blame Lavi for what he had done himself.
And if there were anyone who should be mad at Lavi and chase him off or even beat him up, it would have to be Kanda Yu.
No one else was allowed to do that but himself. He had made damn sure about that.

Stupid Lavi.

So that was what it had been all about. Lavi, wasn’t it? The origin of his bad mood, anger, craziness, sickness, insanity, syndrome. That was what this syndrome was all about. An unnamed syndrome could lead to abnormal characteristic pattern of behaviors and disasters. It actually had, but there wouldn’t be any more disaster for today, because now he knew it.
It wasn’t just any unnamed syndrome, it was a Lavi Syndrome.

His Lavi Syndrome.

Well, he had come all the way to this conclusion eventually. Now what? It didn’t mean he was any less angrier after learning about his sickness though. How in the world he had gotten himself into this kind of syndrome, and of all thing and all people, a Lavi Syndrome, it was still a puzzle. But also it was not like he had any energy left to play another game, or to get any madder.
No, he was tired, too damn tired to even lift his Mugen. After the one-month long damn mission and all those crappy things he had been through in a few hours, he just wanted to get some sleep. Everything could come later. Now that his room was coming into his view, he put all of his thoughts away. He would deal with Lavi and the Lavi things later. Once he was back in his room, his sweet sweet room (screw the list!), he wouldn’t have to care about Lavi anymore. And if Lavi wasn’t his problem, then nothing else would matter to him. Wasn’t it great? He was totally safe, in his room. His home, his heaven. As long as he was in his room, nothing could ever bother him, or drive him crazy, even Lavi.

Awesome.

The cold handle was in his palm now. Once he was in, he would be safe from the cruel world, safe from his Lavi.
He realized he had just dropped the word 'syndrome' somewhere, and somehow, in purpose. But why should he care? He was going back to his 'home sweet home' now. He would think of whether or not Lavi was his later. Or appreciating and even loving the one who had come up with the term 'home sweet home'. Right now there was only one thing on his exhausted mind, to get back to the non-Lavi world that had been waiting for him for too long. The wonderful world that he was the only one existed. Nothing about Lavi could bother him anymore.

He turned the doorknob.

The wonderful non-Lavi silent world of his was finally open. No more noises. No more voices. No more La---

“Hey Yu! What took you so long? I’ve been waiting for you forever! Okaeri nasai, Yu-chan!”


*Okaeri nasai: Welcome home.

A/N: Well that was it for now. Did I tell you I'm a cliff-hanger lover? Now you know. Kill me and I swear you will never get to see the next chapter again, muahahahaha XD Its not like I'll be waiting here for you to come and kill me you know, I'm no idiot! And it's not like you'd find out where I live either...so I assume I'm still safe here...

Anyways, I tried to make it as innocent (and crazy) as I could. It'll be sweeter next time, I promise. (says the one who doesn't know how to keep promises)

But, review and I will learn how to keep them! I promise you that I will keep my 'promise' if you review!

However I won't promise to update soon. I still have a lot of my drawing projects.
Maybe the next LaviYu day, meaning next year?

*runs off as fast as she can*

~ Julye


My birthday badge

Jul. 4th, 2009

bored

Missing the old days...T^T

My birthday badge

Really...
I'm currently writing some humor fic. And I accidentally opened up an old memory by re-reading that old fic we wrote together for Lavi's Birthday last year, and now I feel like crying again. I can't believe time have flied that fast! It never even waited for me, dammit!
A momment before I was with all of my Lavi fellows and I hoped things would not change so fast, and here I am, alone.
They all left me.

Of course it was all my fault.

Anyway, I just wanted to post that fic here. I really love it because we made it together for 25 long days...it was one of my happiest memories and I would never forget that time. I swear!
Considering it was very long with 10 chapters...I'm just gonna post the link...but I always want to remember that. I loved everyone there, I really did, and still do. I miss them so damn much. I miss the old days. I miss our old Lavi FC...
I miss my dear partner...who is an idiot for God's sake! He left me for good! But still, I miss him terribly.


[RP fic] LAVI'S TROUBLE CELEBRATION (For Lavi's BDay 2008- by our members)

We really had a great time...-sighs-

I really am an idiot for living in the past, again. Dammit! >< -shot-

And now I have no idea what to do for the upcoming Lavi's Bday, considering I'm pretty much alone now. I know I have my dear friends there, but it's just..not the same and I can't do as much as I did last year. Not without 'that one'. I'm being a worthless idiot again.
I don't even wanna think about my Birthday with my state right now..

What am I going to do, Lavi?

Jun. 22nd, 2009

sleepingbeauty

-Edo-




My beloved Nohohons adoption <3333
See more in
here

Tags: , ,

My Lavi-time has finally come!

Lara-dear just killed me with her new-found treasure from DGM Vol.18, and until now I'm still overwhelmed...





OMG...-inhales deeply-

LAVI!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY DEAREST GOD IT'S MY LAVI!

HE IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignore the fact that the Chaoji jerk looks really ridiculous in the uniform and totally a LOSER beside my ALMIGHTY LAVI, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!
No, EVERYTHING WITH LAVI IS PERFECT! And anything else is imperfect because there's only one's perfect here, and it's LAVI.

I.LOVE.LAVI

I'm definitely going to die. Thank you, Lara, for killing me! You're my savior.

Well, fuck my doomed life, I don't care! I have Lavi and only him matters to me now.
And of course, my dear friends as well <3


Jun. 19th, 2009

♥ラビ♥

That night when I was studying, I saw a new DGM card and I couldn't help myself but jump in front of the long forgotten computer to make something Lavi-ish immediately. I just couldn't help it, I die every time I look at him.
Not very well done but I didnt have much time, I was drowning in works and finals remember? You should be grateful that I'm still alive by now...Wait, why should you be?

So I made this~



So yeah.
I know he's hot.
I know he's stunning.
I know he's everything I've ever wanted and needed and loved.

He's the one and only. After everything that has happened, it always comes back to him. It's always about him and it always have been about him. No one can replace him.
He's helped me through my hellish nightmares lately.
Lavi is the bestest of the best!


Tags: , , ,

Jun. 11th, 2009

juju

MUAHAHA FUCK MY LIFE AND GODDAMN ME TO FUCKING HELL!

Yes! Fuck my life and Goddammit all to the fucking seven Hells!

Gods I'm at it again! It always comes to this point every fucking time! Why? Like hell I can answer.
Stressed much? Tired much? Exhausted much?
Sure.
Fucking finals. Fucking schools. Fucking bitches.
THEY ALL MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL! DAMN THEM ALL!
Oh crap, I really feel like crying now. But hell, I'd be shot over and over again if I let myself shed a single tear over such a shit like this. No I won't cry. I've already had enough! I feel more like destroying something, or everything though. *slams fists against the wall along with head*

It always comes down to the shittiest shit about my whole damn life! What is it? MY FUCKING MISTAKE THAT HAS MADE ME REGRET EVERY FUCKING SINGLE SECOND OF THE ENTIRE 3 YEARS, EVER SINCE THAT DAMN DAY I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL!
I've never had a single peaceful minute ever since, seriously. I've been struggling every day to find a way to escape that 'pain in the ass' and I failed! I always failed! Never once have I managed to pull myself together and make a Goddamn decision! For Heaven's sake, I always hesitate.
Uncertain, unsure, hesitant.

GODDAMN ME!

Why, I try to convince myself all the time that I do everything for my parents and my so-called loved ones. Oh, are there even my 'loved ones'? I'm not even sure...
But what's there to make sure? It's just pointless as it is, I don't care anymore. I'm just a worthless trash who doesn't deserve to live in this world at all. Believe me or not, I don't deserve to live. I've SCREWED UP TOO MUCH, looking back at the dark path I've walked through, the only thing I'm so desperate to do right now is KILLING MY FUCKED UP SELF over and over again.
Yet I'm still here, living without any effort to keep trying nor looking for the so-called happiness. There's no such thing, dammit!
Trust me, THERE.IS.NO.SUCH.THING!
Or maybe it's just me. Whatever.

I wanna quit. I wanna run. I wanna stop breathing.
But is it so hard to even try to do what I think I'm supposed to do for the best?
No, what's the point of keeping on moving forward when there's no way to walk forward? There's only a way but ahead of it is the darkness that's been embraced me for so long that I am no longer able to remember when it happened. I don't really care, I love the darkness way too much, it reflects myself perfectly.
But now...
What in the bloody world am I supposed to do?
I don't wanna try anymore.
Ah but don't worry my dear, I'm not gonna stop, no matter how badly I want to. I'm just not allowed to, considering this life is given for my family. Of course, I'm still living here because of them, and my loved ones. (if I have ones that is). I'm still doing what I loathe the most because of them. I love them.
Abandon my dreams.
They were broken.

I'm scared.

What would happen if I died before I could do anything to show how grateful I am to my parents and before I could do anything for my little brother's future?
Would they care? Would you care?
Do you care?

I'm not scared of death. I'm scared I can't do as my parents have expected. I'm scared they would realize eventually that I'm just a loser at life and everything. The truth of my dark side that nobody knows .

I HATE MYSELF! I LOATHE MYSELF! WAY TOO MUCH!

I wanna give up so badly that it stabs through my heart painfully, yet I just can't let it go and leave all of their expectations and hopes behind like that.
The past that everyone would love to call it 'oh-so-perfect' was just a LIE, A TERRIBLE LIE that crushes down at me every minute and makes my life a HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE. It was too fucked up...
Heaven is Hell.

The little innocent girl everyone has loved so much was nothing but a FUCKING ARROGANT COLD BASTARD who treated people around her like SHIT and was too FUCKED UP to even realize the consequence of losing a dream for life.

And now that cold freak is paying for it. Dearly.

Funny. She should have died right at the moment she was born. So nothing would have led to this  point. Bloody.

To be or not to be, that is not a question.
I have no desire to find out the truth.
I have no desire to be yet I cannot continue not to be.

Really. Fuck my life!

My shattered dream has come back to me again. As continuous nightmares.
I will never forget that day... the worst day of my life...
It still hurts too much like a flesh wound.
It still fucking hurts a lot.

Well, why do I care? Doesn't it always hurt? Hahahah that's damn right!
Fuck that!

Right, I gotta stop this and go back to study for the fucking finals. And do something with that damn final projects.
So fucking screwed I am, hahah~
Don't worry, I'll die sooner than you have ever expected...just you wait...

Oh.
FUCK MY LIFE!
And Goddamn me to fucking seven Hells!


I really could get used to this term, LOL!

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